


The Blessing of Lazarus

by wargoddess



Series: Lazarus Effect [4]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Manly Feelings, No Smut, Problem solving through violence, Spoilers for Citadel DLC, Unrequited Love, loose ends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 08:10:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11963274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wargoddess/pseuds/wargoddess
Summary: Shepard and his clone have unfinished business. Its name is "Kaidan Alenko."





	The Blessing of Lazarus

**Author's Note:**

> No sex in this one, just lots of manly engagement with unexamined emotions. (Violence. I mean violence.)

     The ping is soft in his aural implant, but the clone named Eleazar comes awake at once. He unpeels himself from Kaidan's sleeping form and sits up.

     "The pattern is exactly as you described," drawls a low, synthesized male voice in his ear. "Predictable, aren't they?"

     "Which -- " the clone starts to ask, then pauses. "Have they taken out Cerberus yet?"

     "No."

     Then he knows which of his enemies draws near. Eleazar gets up from the bed and heads toward the sonic shower, grabbing a fresh bodysuit as he does. His movements wake Kaidan, though, who rolls over and rubs his eyes and sits up himself. His hair is a nightmarish nest of locks still damp with lovemaking sweat, and there's a dried dribble of drool from one corner of his mouth. Also, he snores. Eleazar will fight ten thousand Reapers for him, and means to emerge victorious when he does.

     "Trouble?" Kaidan asks. His head's clear, even if he's rubbing his face to wake up. A fine SPECTRE.

     "Machiavelli says it's time." Eleazar steps into the shower; it's open to the rest of the room. The captain's berth might be private and big enough to share, but it isn't exactly luxurious.

     That pulls Kaidan to full alertness. "Well, that was quick. It hasn't even been a month." He rolls to the side and opens the under-bed drawer for his own clothes. Another bodysuit. No civvies today, though that's usually de rigueur for the Citadel. They'll need armor for this. "Mach, you alert the crew?"

     "Of course I did," says the synthesized male voice again, this time over the room's speaker. The AI sounds faintly offended that they would think he needs reminding of his duties. "Tankbred wants to know if he's allowed to bring 'the biggest gun.' I believe he means the Graal."

     "Tell him yes. Everybody should bring the big guns for this one. Except Conrad." The clone steps out of the shower, cleaned by invisible soundwaves, and starts to dress.

     Kaidan stares even as he steps into the shower for his turn. "You got Tank a _Graal_?"

     "Why not?"

     "Oh, I don't know, the fact that he's plenty lethal with just an ordinary shotgun? One that _isn't_ powerful enough to puncture the Citadel's outer hull?"

     "That's unlikely."

     "But _possible_." He starts making hair-washing motions and turning around to face the wave projector, though that's completely unnecessary with a sonic shower. Just let the projector loosen any dirt and dead skin flakes, then brush it off. The clone stops to admire Kaidan's unnecessary movements anyway, because they show off how gorgeous he is -- compact and graceful, smooth-skinned and sun-tawny in ways that a career space soldier should not be.

     "But he really wanted it," the clone murmurs, not really thinking about their resident krogan.

     "And you just gave it to him?" Kaidan stops turning to glare at him. "He's a kid, El. You can't spoil him like -- " He blinks. Blushes, as he notices the clone's gaze. "What?"

     The clone reminds himself that he is "El." It's his name, and it's good to have a name that he likes. It's good to be more than "the clone." Kaidan Alenko has made him more, and this is good, too. So he steps closer, not caring that the wave projector pushes ineffectually against his bodysuit, caring only that Kaidan Alenko smiles when he does so.

     "Nothing," he says. Nothing he can articulate. "Just looking at you."

     Kaidan grins and reaches up to run a thumb along the edge of his jawline. This is good, too. Kaidan is generous with his touches, but they're still a delicious, warming thing, to be savored whenever possible. The clone shuts his eyes in pure pleasure.

     "I like the way you look at me," Kaidan murmurs. Then he sighs. "But we've got work to do."

     And the clone nods, because this, too, is who he is: Kaidan Alenko's. Kaidan is a SPECTRE, and Kaidan wants to make the galaxy a better place, so the clone has decided that these things matter to him, too. And right now, they've got a big problem to solve.

     "Are you sure you're ready?" He has to ask it. They both know what's coming.

     Kaidan chuckles, and of course the clone is watching him. Making sure. But although Kaidan follows his chuckle with a sigh, there's no regret in his tone, nor hesitation in his gaze. He knows it will be hard, but he's ready. He wants this over with.

     Good. "Eleazar," the clone says, softly. It's more than a name.

     Kaidan's eyebrows rise, but he gets it. "Right." His touch shifts; now he's cupping the back of the clone's head, and he pulls so that they can rest forehead-to-forehead. "Right. Remember who you've _chosen_ to be."

     Not what your genes have made you. The clone knows this. It doesn't have to be said. "I will."

     Kaidan nods, then kisses him. It's quick, just a peck, probably an afterthought, but to the clone -- to _Eleazar_ \-- it feels like the blessing before a battle. Eleazar steps away to finish donning his armor and let Kaidan do the same, and it is quick and silent from there forth. No further talk is necessary. They're both ready.

***

     It bothers Eleazar to let Kaidan do this, but Kaidan was insistent. So Eleazar watches from a storage alcove on an upper level of the hangar deck, tense, as the _Normandy SR-2_ glides in and sidles into its docking clamps.

     It's still a beautiful ship, but already it has changed in his eyes. It looks too long, compared to a corvette's more abbreviated lines. Too long and weirdly stretched-out -- and much too obvious in its deadliness. A corvette is more subtle. They're primarily used as diplomatic ships by the Alliance for that reason: they seem harmless. No one expects a corvette to have a mass effect core or a Thanix cannon. Everyone underestimates them.

     But no one underestimates John Shepard, who comes off the _Normandy_ 's cargo gangplank alone and fast, like a biotic in slo-mo charge. Straight at Kaidan, who sits waiting on a supply crate, idly swinging a datapad from his fingers. He smiles, slightly, as Shepard reaches him. "Hey, Shep."

     Shepard moves past Kaidan and then stops to look around. "Where is he?"

     Kaidan rolls his eyes and tries again. "I was thinking we could _talk_ , Shepard, before you went off half-cocked. Again."

     "I don't want to hear anything you have to say." But because Shepard is Shepard, he makes a lie of this almost immediately, rounding on Kaidan. "'You were thinking?' Don't make me laugh. You want to switch sides, sleep with the enemy, fine, but don't pretend you were thinking with anything other than your dick when you made that choice. It's hilarious, because before now you've always thought too damned _much_ for my tastes -- and talked too much, and sat around with your thumb up your ass too much. But now you want to get impulsive? With _my clone_ , for God's sake?"

     They've talked about what this confrontation might be like. So far, it's pretty much exactly what they expected Shepard to say. El can tell that Kaidan hoped for better, though. He sees Kaidan's expression shutter as he shakes his head and hops down off the crate. "Yeah, okay. When you want to _talk_ ," he says, pivoting around Shepard deftly, "message me. We can meet at the Commons for a sandwich."

     He turns to go and Shepard advances on his back, so fast that El tenses and almost shoulders his Black Widow. Kaidan doesn't twitch, however, turning with palpable calm even as Shepard gets into his face. "There's nothing to talk about. That _thing_ is walking around with _my name._ If he hadn't already changed his face I'd beat mine off of him."

     "He's not a thing, and he didn't _want_ your name, Shepard. The Council made him do it."

     Shepard laughs and turns his back on Kaidan, looking around the hangar bay. "Kaidan, I really don't want to hear it. Either tell me where he is or _get out of my face_."

     Kaidan considers him for a moment longer, his expression somewhere between contempt and pity. He looks like a man who is wondering what he ever saw in Shepard. "Fine. Getting out of your face, then."

     It seems to infuriate Shepard that Kaidan will not lose his temper. "He tried to kill you, remember?"

     Kaidan rolls his eyes. "Yeah. So did you, in case you forgot. Must be genetic. Difference is, _he_ apologized." Kaidan pauses then, pointedly waiting.

     Shepard rounds on him, mouth falling open in incredulity. "Udina had to be stopped. You _know_ that."

     "Yeah, I know. Even though you didn't bother to explain, in the moment. You just demanded that I _obey_. I outrank you, for God's sake." Eleazar can see anger over that months-ago moment lingering in the set of Kaidan's shoulders. He'll need a good massage tonight, and maybe some slow, gentle sex, or by tomorrow he'll have another migraine. El reminds himself to do this once everything is over.

     "I stood down because my gut told me Udina was full of it," Kaidan continues, shrugging. "But I also realized then that you'll go through anyone and anything to end the Reapers, Shepard. No one else really matters to you. Wrex found that out. Mordin too. Miranda -- "

     Shepard's nostrils flare. "You think I _wanted_ them to die? I did what I had to."

     "Maybe that's what you told yourself." Kaidan is implacable, his voice hard, his words unforgiving. "Hell, maybe it's even true, I don't know. Maybe you're what it takes to beat the Reapers. But I have to wonder what kind of civilization we'll become if we do manage to survive, and there's nothing honorable or human left in us anymore."

     El knows that's not going to go over well, and sure enough Shepard rolls his eyes. "See, this is why I couldn't stand you, Kaidan -- all your sanctimonious bullshit. Just admit it: You hooked up with the clone because you couldn't have me." He snorts in contempt. "If I'd known you wanted my dick that bad, I'd have made you a dildo."

     Kaidan sighs. "I 'hooked up with' him because he's a good man, Shepard. And you're not." He resumes walking away.

     Shepard curses and then pulls a pistol on his back. "Take another step and you'll find out just how bad a man I am."

     Kaidan stops, but doesn't turn back. "I've already offered to talk, Shepard. I'll bring El, too, and we can all talk together, if you want. _If_ you calm down."

     "I'll _calm down_ when that son of a bitch is dead."

     Kaidan's visible fist clenches immediately -- but then, very slowly, he makes himself relax. They've talked about this, too. Shepard isn't really interested in killing his clone, again. He's here for Kaidan. And he's threatening Eleazar only as a way to get under Kaidan's skin.

     But Kaidan, Eleazar thinks proudly, is ten thousand times stronger than Shepard actually thinks he is. So after a moment, Kaidan lets out a long, heavy breath. "I've seen your temper get the better of you for years, Shepard, but I never thought you were stupid, before now."

     And Shepard blinks. Then his eyes narrow. "Oh, I get it. In a sniper position?" He turns, thoughtful. Just to help him out -- El has had his Widow trained on Shepard's kneecap since he drew on Kaidan -- El activates the targeting laser and focuses it on Shepard's eye. Shepard blinks and whirls, following it, then finally spots him. "Aha." He pivots to aim the pistol up at El.

     Eleazar stands up out of the cover provided by some shipping crates, and lifts the Widow to prop on his shoulder. He's an open target, easy for the shooting. Kaidan didn't like this part of the plan, when they discussed it, but El was insistent. And sure enough, being given such an obvious clear shot immediately makes Shepard suspicious. It should. That's the whole point.

     "So what's your game this time?" Shepard's checking the corners, realizing that a hangar bay crowded with shipping crates was perhaps not the best place to come in spoiling for a fight. Especially when it's clear that Kaidan and El knew he was coming. "Psychological warfare, since you can't beat me in a real fight? Seducing away my team members one by one so you can milk them for intel?"

     Eleazar tilts his head. "If I can seduce them away, were they ever really yours?"

     It's an honest question. El doesn't get Shepard; Shepard's proven that decisively before. El doesn't really _want_ to get Shepard anymore -- but he can't help expressing his confusion right now. If that's what Shepard really thinks, that the clone is still an enemy, and that Kaidan is still _his_...

     He's not expecting Shepard's face to tighten in sudden rage, nor for Shepard to shoot. (Maybe there's some value in trying to understand the man.) El reacts the instant the shot takes down half his shield -- armor-piercing rounds, oh of _course_ \-- and dives behind cover.

     "Now?" asks Mach.

     The clone sighs and pushes himself up. That shot hurt, even through shields. He keeps low because he can feel Shepard trying to get a biotic lock on him for a charge, but he's not interested in Shepard right now. There's a clear line-of-sight from this vantage to Kaidan, who's standing where Shepard left him after running off to gun for El. Kaidan's arms hang at his sides; he hasn't drawn his gun. Still, he sighs, but finally nods, when El catches his eye. Then Kaidan turns to head out of the hangar bay.

     There's such sorrow in his face as he leaves. It makes El's chest tighten with anger. "Now," he says, gazing after Kaidan.

     " _Finally_ ," snaps the AI, and El's heads-up display lights up like a Christmas tree. "Shutting down hangar communications per SPECTRE authority, designation Shepard 232-647-zeta-kirrahe-shiagur. C-SEC notified. Fire Safety on standby. Launch codes confirmed. Ship to ship fire request approved."

     "On it," says Jenna over El's comm. El sighs and switches from his Widow to the Carnifex. If Shepard's on the move, then he'll be angling for closer quarters --

     "Slow," says Shepard, behind him. "Guess Kaidan's not as good at keeping you in shape as Brooks was."

     Fuck.

     El turns to glare at him. Shepard stands at the top of the ladder, pistol trained on El's heart, with a cold smile on his face. El hates him more than ever in this moment. "All you had to do," he snaps, "was not be an asshole. For _one minute_. Would that have killed you?"

     Shepard frowns. Opens his mouth. Before he can speak, something blurs out of nowhere and slams into Shepard like a wrecking ball, hurtling him a good thirty feet away and off into a knot of shipping crates.

     Eleazar sighs, coming to stand beside Tankbred, who rumbles in satisfaction as one of the crates Shepard crashed into catches fire. "Perhaps the impact has broken bones," Tank suggests. Tank really likes breaking bones.

     "Probably not." Eleazar claps him on one massive shoulder. "He's got all kinds of implants and bone weaves. Tough as a krogan. Let's reposition before he digs himself out."

     Tankbred straightens a little, pleased. "Perhaps he is a worthy opponent."

     "Definitely, but not now. Stick to the plan."

     Tank sighs. "I dislike the plan. But very well."

     They hurry down from the storage alcove and look for new cover, moving briskly. It isn't enough. Eleazar feels the biotic lock and reacts, pushing back with a biotic throw the way Brooks taught him, which is probably the only thing that stops Shepard from pulling his trademark charge-and-eviscerate maneuver. The charge hits, but not enough to stun him, and Eleazar leaps back just as the omni-blade slashes through the space where his chest would've been.

     Tank puts his head down and bulls forward, but Shepard's faster, rolling away and leaping onto a stack of crates out of reach. Eleazar tracks him, and his fingers twitch on the pistol trigger... but then he sets his jaw and lifts the pistol out of firing position.   _The plan._ So he throws a shockwave instead, which Shepard dodges, but it slams apart the stack of crates and forces Shepard to find new cover.

     "Sloppy," Shepard taunts from behind a pillar. "You had a clear shot. What was that?"

     El sighs in exasperation and ducks behind a crate. He's not sure where Tank has gone, but the krogan can move very quietly when he needs to. El calls back, "In case you haven't noticed, I could've blown your head off the moment you stepped out of the airlock hatch."

     There is a beat of silence before Shepard finally says, "Then what the fuck are you -- "

     He's cut off, then, as the low, distinctive pulse-sound of a mass effect engine thrums through the hangar. A ship darkens the _Normandy_ 's profile, and it is beautiful: compact, black with glowing lines, sleek and nimble. The _Memoria_ is less than a third the size of the _Normandy_ , but its engines glow just as brightly. And its main gunport begins to glow as they all hear the unmistakable sound of firing mechanisms cycling up.

     "Oh, shit," Shepard says, in real fear. " _Normandy_ , this is Shepard-actual, you're under attack, repeat, attack -- _get out of there_!"

     But his warning comes too late. The _Memoria_ fires its main gun --

     -- and the gun goes _thoop_.

     Which is not how a Thanix cannon, which normally fires molten metal at three-quarters of the speed of light, should ever sound when it is raining hellfire upon its foes. It isn't raining hellfire, though, this time. A nanosecond after it fires, a splatter of bright, fluorescent green goop covers the _Normandy's_ airlock door. The ship fires again, with another _thoop_ \-- and this time the goop covers the ship's cargo hatch. It looks like plastic, or wax. It steams faintly, and smells of bananas.

     "This is humiliating," Mach says to El, sounding aggrieved. "I'm a weapon of mass destruction, I'll have you know."

     "Stick to the damned _plan_ ," El replies, annoyed. He doesn't like it any better than his crew does. They have trained to fight criminals and the terrors of the galaxy. Shepard is one of the latter, but to fight like this... Eleazar sighs. It cannot be helped.

     "What the fuck?" Shepard says. His comm crackles, loud enough for El to hear Garrus' voice, though the words are unintelligible. "Yeah, I don't know either. Hang on." He raises his voice again. " _What the hell did you do to my ship, you shitwipe?_ "

     "Harmless polymer," Eleazar grunts. He's on the move to another cover spot, and talking will give away his position, but it's worthwhile if Shepard fucking _listens_. "Dissolves with a spray of acetone, or it'll evaporate on its own in an hour. Til then, the doors are sealed." He ducks behind a loading chute.

     Shepard snarls as he understands. "You think I need my crew's help to kill you?"

     "You did last time, didn't you?" Brooks, turning her back. Shepard's friends, grabbing him, supporting him, keeping him safe. It doesn't hurt the clone to think of this, anymore, however. He has Kaidan now.

     But although Eleazar means this as an admission of weakness on his own part, Shepard takes it as an insult. "Oh, that's _it_." And then Shepard goes silent.

     Damn. But this also what Shepard's clone expected. El holsters his pistol, darts to another position, keeps low. He risks breaking comm silence enough for one word: "Dili."

     It's one word too much. Shepard's there in an instant, omni-blade already fabricated and glowing red-hot, turning and winding up to shove it into El's guts. Eleazar charges away, as fast as he can, but he still feels a white flash of pain as the blade tags him at the midriff. When he stumbles out of the biotic charge conduit, he claps at his belly; there's a hole in his armor, burned black and three or four inches to the left of his navel, where the abdominals overlap the obliques. Probably partially cauterized. Probably didn't perforate the intestine... probably. But he can feel blood soaking into his undersuit, and it fucking hurts.

     But Shepard, to the clone's great relief, doesn't follow him and finish him off. That's because, all around the hangar, there are now replicas of Eleazar crouching behind cover. El sees Shepard blur to attack one of them -- and then stop, in surprise, as he realizes it's only a hyperrealistic hologram. Dili'Mishuv vas Memoria's decoy script works perfectly.

     "This is all you've got?" Shepard blurs and attacks another decoy, clearly meaning to just shank them all until he finds a live target. "Tricks and bullshit?"

     Replying would give away his position, but El has to say, growling through the still-bright pain, "Tank."

     Shepard pivots instantly, and spots him. Once again, however, Tank blindsides him with a biotic charge. This time the impact sends Shepard skidding across the floor, into what looks like a fossil-fuel pressure tank --

     Oh. It actually _is_ a fossil-fuel pressure tank. What's that doing in a hangar, without haz-mat markings? Well, Shepard will probably be fine even if he is on fire.

     And even if he's not moving, once the fire burns out. Hmm.

     "He's totally faking it," Jenna says. She's taken the ship away, but is clearly watching the feed through El's eyepiece.

     "I agree, Shepard's a really good actor," says Conrad. "This one time, I may have told you about it, he held a gun on me, and -- "

     "Doesn't matter," El croaks, stumbling out of cover and trying to stand upright. He's still mostly functional, just in a lot of pain. "He can't die. I've got to check him."

     "You ain't gotta do nothin' but stay cloned and die, El." Conrad sounds excited. "Ooh, that was badass. Wasn't it, baby?"

     Jenna is so patient with him. "Yes, sweetie. Absolutely badass."

     But then Maelon overrides the chatter. "Eleazar, Shepard has too much Cerberus tech in him for a clear read on his vitals."

     So he could really be in trouble. Shaking his head, El heads over. Shepard's not moving, other than to steam a bit. There are no visible burns on his skin, meaning that his shields probably took care of the worst of the heat, but those shields are flickering now. And fires kill through suffocation -- by burning lung tissue -- as much as anything else.

     Still. Shepard shouldn't be unconscious if nothing's hit him in the head. El stops three feet away, ready. "I'll remove the seal on the Normandy's hatches, if you need to see Chakwas. All I want -- "

     Shepard bursts into motion, and he's so damned fast that even ready, El is caught off-guard. Shepard rolls toward his feet, which makes him stumble back, and before he can recover Shepard is up. El's got a barrier up, and he's already backing off, but Shepard's fist catches him in the midriff. Right on the omni-blade wound.

     The pain is stunning. El's really just flailing, reacting, when he brings up his Carnifex and fires. Shit! He didn't mean to do that. Shepard lunges away, but El can't let him get his bearings. He'll just attack again. So El tosses the gun -- too tempting to use it -- and leaps after Shepard.

     It's hand-to-hand from there -- grappling, throwing each other into crates, jabbing elbows that get shunted aside, foot-crushing stomps. Shepard's furious, muttering stuff like, "My fucking _name_." El's furious, thinking, _All you had to do was listen_. That's enough to help him through the pain, and to keep his head cool, which he needs because the only way to survive Shepard is to out-think him. He didn't survive Shepard last time, but he learned from his mistakes at least.

     So after he knees Shepard in the side enough to make him back off, El picks up a ferrofluid container and throws it at his face. The weight of it -- unexpectedly heavy, since it contains superdense liquid metal -- means that it staggers Shepard when he brings up his arms to block. Which makes this the perfect time for El to point-blank biotic charge him.

     He doesn't hit as hard as a krogan, but that's okay. Shepard goes down like an overturned turtle, and El is on him, putting a knee on his chest and his own omni-blade to the tender space just under Shepard's jaw. Shepard freezes, eyes wide and furious. He's lost, and he fucking hates it.

     But so does Eleazar. "You stupid _shit_ ," he snarls. "I can't believe you let me do this to you. You came in here so mad that you can't fucking think, can you? I never would've beaten you if not for that!"

     Shepard blinks again, staring at him like he's gone crazy. "I don't know what kind of game you're playing this time -- "

     "There is no game!" El's shouting. That's not good. He has to rein it in. He has to remember that he is Eleazar, and that he may have Shepard's genes but he is the one with _integrity_ , and that he has chosen to be a good man because that is what Kaidan needs -- but it's so hard. Nobody pisses him off the way Shepard does. "I don't care about you! I don't even want to kill you!" He's done. He can't take it anymore. He dissolves the omni-blade and stands up so that he can shout down at Shepard. " _I've been trying not to kill you this whole time._ Do you have any idea how hard that is?"

     Shepard pushes himself up on his elbows, slowly, like he can't quite believe what he's hearing. "Then what the hell is all this for?"

     "Kaidan!" It hurts to pace. El claps a hand to his bleeding gut and does it anyway, because he's just that furious and he needs to vent the anger somehow. "You've been talking _at_ him for months now, making assumptions, treating him like shit, all because of Horizon. You've punished him enough. He loved you, once! _And you tried to kill him_." He swings around at points an accusing finger at Shepard, who's staring at Eleazar like he's lost his mind.

     But finally, Shepard takes a deep breath and climbs to his feet. He fingers his split lip, where Eleazar headbutted him during a grappling session, and he's limping. He's still combat-ready, though, and for a very long moment they stare at each other, tense. All Shepard has to do is start up again. El doesn't think he can beat Shepard this time; he hurts too much, and he suspects he's edging into shock. Lightheaded, feeling sluggish. But this isn't a battle that can be won with force.

     "You aren't making any sense," Shepard says, finally. "Spell it out. What do you want this time?"

     Eleazar takes a deep breath. "I want you. To have. _A fucking sandwich_."

***

     Kaidan turns off his comm for the duration of the talk. El sits at a table in the Presidium Commons that's nearby enough that he can intervene if things go south, but far enough to be out of earshot. Mach keeps pinging him with stats about sepsis survivability, but El can't go back to the _Memoria_ , or even to Huerta, just yet. He can survive internal bleeding for a while, if that's what it takes to make sure Kaidan gets this chance to talk, uninterrupted by strangers or Shepard's pride.

     He watches, and relaxes a little when he sees Kaidan start to relax. They order "steak" sandwiches, and eat together. Shepard raises his voice a few times. ("But he's my clone, Kaidan, for God's sake." "My name -- " " _Conrad Verner_ , are you _high_?") But Shepard doesn't go for his pistol, and he doesn't walk off. That makes everything worth it.

     When it's over and the restaurant bill has been paid, Shepard gets up. He throws a hooded glance toward El, but turns to leave without saying anything more. That's fine by El, who gets up and walks over to Kaidan's table, trying not to wince or move too gingerly. He fails, and Kaidan notices, narrowing eyes at the conspicuous black mark -- omni-blade entry points are pretty distinctive -- on his belly-armor.

     "I'll be fine," El says, then quickly changes the subject. "You?"

     He doesn't pay attention to what Kaidan says. Words are tools, easily manipulated, and he's learned not to trust them during the not-even-a-year he's been alive. But he notes the set of Kaidan's shoulders, which are low and loose, and the muscles around Kaidan's eyes, which aren't jumping or taut. He might not need that massage anymore, El concludes. He's going to give it to Kaidan anyhow -- to reassure himself, if nothing else.

     "It went all right," Kaidan says. "Better than I expected, really. I think you made an impression on him."

     "It took some doing," El concedes. He probably doesn't need surgery... probably. "So, you two friends again?"

     Kaidan sobers. "No. You know me, El."

     "Integrity."

     "Integrity." Kaidan sighs out the word one weary syllable at a time, every one of them tinged with regret.

     It bothers Eleazar. "He didn't have to come here, Kaidan."

     Kaidan rolls his eyes. "He came because the Council gave you his name. His pride was wounded."

     Eleazar will never understand why Kaidan trusts words so much. Especially with Shepard, who says one thing and means another, and who so often covers up his insecurities with belligerence. "He doesn't give two shits about who's got his name. He came because he heard about us."

     "What?"

     El shrugs, wincing despite himself, and then steals Shepard's untouched glass of water. He's stolen so much else from Shepard, might as well. "The Council announced my elevation to SPECTRE almost a month ago. But he doesn't show up 'til now?"

     "He's _busy_ , El. Saving the galaxy takes -- "

     "He's killing time while the fleet assembles for the assault on Cerberus," Eleazar says. And tying up loose ends, El also suspects, because Shepard expects to die in the battle for Earth. Kaidan is a loose end. "Machiavelli showed me the _Normandy_ 's flight plans. Shepard was near enough to visit the Citadel when the announcement went out. He didn't. Know what did go out recently, though?" He chin-points toward a nearby extranet news screen. "Twill V'aia's little 'expose' on the supposed love triangle between the three human SPECTREs."

     Kaidan blinks, then groans, putting a hand over his eyes. "I filed the lawsuit _that day_. They took it down six hours later -- "

     "Can't erase anything on the extranet. So basically Shepard heard I was fucking you, and he came running to make sure you were okay."

     Kaidan lowers his hand and stares at El. "That doesn't make any sense. He doesn't _want_ me, El; why would he care who I'm with? He's with Cortez. And I wish Cortez good luck and godspeed with that."

     Eleazar sighs, carefully so that he won't aggravate his injury. "That's not how Shepard thinks," he says. He still doesn't get Shepard, mostly, but he does get one thing about the man. "Once you're his, you're his. Even if he doesn't want you."

     Kaidan stares at him. "That's crazy."

     El just looks at him. They both know there's something really wrong with Shepard.

     Kaidan shakes his head, mulish. "No."

     Eleazar sighs. "I'm 'his clone,' if you haven't noticed. Carrying 'his name.' And now I've taken his teammate. His 'almost.'"

     Kaidan still looks like he wants to deny it, but he falls silent. El reaches over to eat one of Shepard's fries. Kaidan's frown deepens. "Shit."

     "Hmm."

     "He, uh..." Kaidan looks uncomfortable. "He wanted to know if I've ever called you 'Shepard'... during sex."

     "Ah." Kaidan never has. Which means... "And he was pissed that you hadn't."

     Kaidan sighs. It has a resigned air. El lets it go. He heard in a vid drama once that you should never say _I told you so_ to a lover. The vids haven't steered him wrong yet.

     They get up to head back to the ship at last. It's better, the clone called Eleazar decides. The air _is_ clearer, even though Dock Control wants a report on why there was a fossil fuel fire, and they've probably used up every favor they can get from C-SEC for a while. Bottom line, though: Kaidan isn't sad anymore. He's upset that El has taken a shank to the gut, and more upset when he realizes El isn't carrying any medi-gel; El has to endure a lecture all the way back to the docks. But Kaidan isn't sad, and that's what matters most.

     And Tank is happy that he got to cannonball somebody, even if he didn't get to shoot them with the Graal. And Jenna is happy that she _did_ get to shoot something. And Maelon is happy that his evaporating polymer worked. Conrad's happy he got to be useful, and Dili's happy her decoy program fooled Shepard. Machiavelli isn't happy that he didn't get to rain hellfire upon the _Normandy_ , but Mach is never happy.

     It's been a good day. That, too, matters a lot.

     And the next day, after Maelon lets him out of sickbay, and after Kaidan has reassured himself as to the soundness of El's repaired body by putting it through a tender, breathless shakedown run, El gets an extranet message. He sits up to read it, though he is careful not to wake Kaidan this time. If this message is from who he suspects... well. They've let him disturb their rest enough already.

\---

**Timestamp: 0300 Galactic Mean Time, 22.34.86**

**Sender: [SPECTRE OVERRIDE]**

**Subj: I get it**

**Fine. You'll do anything for him, even die for him. Okay. Message received, fuckstain. I guess you're worthy.**

**And I guess maybe you were right about me being too hard on him. What's done is done, but glad we cleared the air. It was time.**

**-(The Real) S**

**P.S.: I'm telling my mom -- the admiral -- about you. If you're going to be a Shepard, then by God you'll be a Shepard. She means to get grandkids out of somebody, and it doesn't look like that's gonna be me. Sucks to be you, buddy.**

**P.P.S.: How's that hole in the gut? Nice of me not to perforate your intestine, huh? You should carry medi-gel.**

\---

     "Ass," Eleazar mutters.

     But he rolls over and folds his arms around Kaidan, who sighs and murmurs something affectionate in his sleep. They rest easier together, both of them, in benediction.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my version of a WAFFy bit of closure for Shepard and the clone, who are both violent assholes and bad at communication. I was also thinking that Kaidan and the clone would need to get Shepard's blessing, so to speak, to safely continue their relationship, because otherwise they'll always have to watch their backs for him. So this whole episode is just Kaidan trying to talk to Shepard to settle things between them, with the clone literally running interference -- and beating the shit out of Shepard, and taking a beating himself, all as needed -- in order to get Shepard to actually listen.
> 
> Mostly I just wanted to show how much Kaidan trusts the clone, how gone on Kaidan the clone is, and how Renegade Shepard might actually manage to be something less than a *complete* asshole for once. (I have a hard time with Renegade Shepard. To be a true Renegade, you have to betray Wrex and the krogan, shoot Mordin, etc.; he's just a horrible garbage person. But this is based on Cypheroftyr's Renegade mShep, so I tried to at least *understand* him, if not like him.) 
> 
> It's not actually a happy ending. This is just before the assault on Cerberus in ME3, and As You Know Fandom, the Citadel will shortly be attacked by the Reapers and snatched off to Earth, where at least the ring portion of the station becomes a charnel house. The rest will get fried when the Crucible fires. But until then, these guys get at least a brief period of happiness.
> 
> I'm actually kind of hoping I'm done with stories about this guy, but who the hell knows. -_-


End file.
